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in all his spectral glory, we were disappointed. The room was empty.
He was just over there.
Spike closed his eyes, sniffed the air and touched the workbench. Yeah, he
said, I can feel him.
Can you?
No, not really. Where was he again?
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At the worktop. Spike, what exactlyis a ghost?
A phantom, said my uncle Mycroft, who had just materialized, is
essentially a heteromorphic wave pattern that gains solidity when the
apparition converts thermal energy from the surroundings to visible light.
It s a fascinating process, and I m amazed no one has thought of harnessing
it a holographic TV that could operate from the heat given off by an
average-size guinea pig.
I shivered. Mycroft was right the temperaturehad dropped and there he was,
but a lot less solid than the previous time. I could easily see the other side
of the workshop through him.
Hello again, Thursday, he said. Good afternoon, Mr. Stoker.
Good afternoon, sir, replied Spike. Word in the Realm of the Dead says
you ve got something to tell us.
I have? asked Mycroft, looking at me.
Yes, Uncle, I told him, You re a Nonrecurring& um
Nonrecurring Informative Phantasm, put in Spike helpfully. An NIP, or what
we call in the trade Speak Up and Shut Down.
It means, Uncle, I said, that you ve got somethingreally important to tell
us.
Mycroft looked thoughtful for so long that I almost nudged him before I
realized it would be useless.
Like what? he said at last.
I don t know. Perhaps a& philosophy of life or something?
Mycroft looked at me doubtfully and raised an eyebrow. The only thing that
springs to mind is, You can never have too many chairs.
That s it? You returned from the dead to give me advice on furniture
distribution?
I know it s not much of a philosophy, said Mycroft with a shrug, but it
can pay dividends if someone unexpectedly pops around for dinner.
Uncle,please try to remember what it is you have to tell us!
Was I murdered or anything? he asked in a dreamy fashion. Ghosts often
come back if they ve been killed or something at least, Patrick Swayze did.
You definitely weren t murdered, I told him. It was a long illness.
Then thisis something of a puzzle, murmured Mycroft, but I suppose I ve
got the greater part of eternity to figure it out.
That s what I liked about my uncle always optimistic. But that was it. In
another moment he had gone.
Thirty-three seconds, said Spike, who had put a stopwatch on him, and
about fifty-five percent opacity. He flicked through a small book of tables
he had with him. Hmm, he said at last, almost certainly a trivisitation.
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You ve got him one more time. He ll be down at fifteen to twenty percent
opacity and will only be around for about fifteen seconds.
Then I could miss him?
No, said Spike with a smile, he appeared to you twice out of twice. The
final appearance will be to you, too. Just have a proper question ready for
him when you next come here Mycroft s memory being what it is, you can t rely
on him remembering what he came back for. It s up to you.
Thanks, Spike, I said as I closed the door of the workshop. I owe you.
Tuesday and I were home in a few minutes. The house felt warm and comfy, and
there was the smell of cooking that embraced me like an old friend.
Hi, darling! I called out. Landen stopped his typing and came out of the
office to give me a hug.
How was work? he asked.
I thought of what I d been doing that day. Of firing and not firing my drippy
alter ego, of a Superreader loose somewhere in the BookWorld, of Goliath s
unwelcome intrusion and of Mycroft as a ghost. Then there was the return of
Felix8, the Minotaur, and my bag of Welsh cash. The time for truth was now.
Ihad to tell him.
I& I had to do a stair carpet over in Baydon. Hell on earth; the treads were
all squiffy, none of the stair rods would fit, and Spike and I spent the whole
afternoon on it how s the book going?
He kissed me on the forehead and tousled Tuesday s hair affectionately, then
took me by the hand and led me into the kitchen, where there was a stew on the
stove.
Kind of okay, I guess, he replied, stirring the dinner, but nothing really
spectacular.
No ideas? I prompted. An oddcharacter, perhaps?
No I was mostly working on pace and atmosphere.
This was strange. I d specifically told Scampton-Tappett to do his best. I
had a sudden thought.
What book are you working on, sweetheart?
The Mews of Doom.
Aha.
I thought you said you d be rewritingBananas for Edward ?
I got bored with it. Why do you ask?
No reason. Where s Friday?
In his room. I made him have a shower, so he s in a bit of a snot.
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Plock.
A clean snot is better than a dirty snot I suppose. And Jenny?
Watching TV.
I called out, Hey, Jenny! but there was no answer.
Plock.
She s upstairs in her room.
I looked at the hall clock. We still had a half hour until we had to go to
the ChronoGuard s career-advisory pre sen ta tion.
PLOCK!
Yes, yes, hello, Pickwick how s this?
I showed her the finished blue-and-white sweater, and before she could even
think of complaining, I had slipped it over her featherless body. Landen and I
stared at her this way and that, trying to figure out if it was for the better
or the worse.
It makes her look like something out of the Cornish Blue pottery cata log,
said Landen at last.
Or a very large licorice allsort, I added.
Pickwick glared at us sullenly, then realized she was a good deal warmer and
hopped off the kitchen table and trotted down the corridor to try to look in
the mirror, which was unfortunately just too high, so she spent the next half
hour jumping up and down trying to catch a glimpse of herself.
Hi, Mum, said Friday, looking vaguely presentable as he walked down the
stairs.
Hello, Sweetpea, I said, passing him the CD Polly had given me. I got this
for you. It s an early release ofHosing the Dolly. Check out the guitar riff
on the second track.
Cool, replied Friday, visibly impressed in a nothing impresses me sort of
way. How did you get hold of it?
Oh, you know, I said offhandedly. I have friends in the recording
industry. I wasn t always just a boring mum, you know.
Polly gave it to you, didn t she?
I sighed. Yes. Ready to go?
Landen joined us, and he and I moved toward the door. Friday stood where he
was.
Do I have to?
You promised. And there isn t another ChronoGuard career-advisory meeting in
Swindon for another six months.
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I don t want to work in the time industry.
Listen, I said, my voice rising as I finally lost patience, get your lazy
butt out the door okay?
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